If you ask me how would I feel if I lose you now, I would answer : Nothing.
In fact, I would feel a weight off my shoulders. Even when we seem so close, I feel so empty. All these talk about the future, it gave me so many second thoughts.
“Is this what I really want? Are you really the one I want to spend my whole life with?”
The thoughts of spending my life single felt so much better off right now.
Sometimes I wonder if all of your emotions portrayed towards me is just a facade, how do you really feel inside? – Seriously.
I love you? I don’t love you?
I am so tired. I’m so tired to think about this anymore. What is it that I really want?
The more I think about it – the happiest moments in my life is when I’m not attached or committed to anyone. In fact, I am more committed in my work, I have more time to do whatever I want without thinking about commitments to a single person.
“The grass always seem greener on the other side.”
Back and forth, once I’m on the other side, I will most probably let my loneliness get the best of me again and hurt someone else again. So far it’s my life’s vicious cycle. I don’t deserve to be with anyone – forever.
How many times have I hurt people because of recklessness? From friends, really close friends, to people who really love me.
I have hurt the people who genuinely care about me for someone else who is shit. I have hurt someone who love me, just because I think I’m hurt myself and confused and got involved with someone in the circle of friends and cause the whole friendship to go to ruins – multiple fucking times.
And getting involved with you out of loneliness and recklessness is the most (although I always deny it) regretful thing I will have ever done. Going behind my best friend’s back and turning on him for you. What the fuck was I even thinking.
It’s late, I have to sleep. Tomorrow I will probably brush off whatever I’ve thought and penned down here and suppressed whatever thoughts I have – like I’ve always did.
I don’t know how long more can I take, how long more can I be with you?
Before anything gets anymore serious, I seriously have to leave you.
Until that day comes………….