我必须对自己好一点

When you’re reading this, please understand why I will stop talking to you, until I don’t feel this 辛苦 and suffocating anymore.

Well I thought after our conversation 3 weeks ago, I would be better, and I was. Our conversations after that were therapeutic, I was happy, but just like a star that burns out too quickly, it fades away and the pain crept back in.

It was all a facade, I was far from okay. Who am I kidding right? Those conversations suddenly turned sour with each passing day, and now I ask myself why am I doing this to myself? I was pretending to be okay, while just use sentences like “Don’t take history come out and say, I don’t like it.”

What was that supposed to mean? If things were supposed to be agreed upon why deny it when I bring it up? Talk is cheap right? 讲话不算话.

“Just text me or call me if you need to”, “I will be a better listening ear than your friends”. Really? Cause these days I feel lonely as fuck, and you really didn’t gave a shit, not even as a friend, let alone “best friend”. 3 weeks ago, I felt like a first class friend and I felt like a priority of some sort, but now I feel like someone that you can get rid off anytime, I even feel less important than 2 soft toys. Because of you I really stopped talking to anyone about you because they wouldn’t understand and they would be against the idea of us getting back together and that’s really not what I wanna hear.

You totally went from genuinely concern about my well-being and genuinely seeing a future in us – to just trying your best to patronize me if not just being harsh, putting me down, degrading me, using my weakness against me, questioning my actions when you already know what kind of person I am, and then saying you’re just like that “I don’t filter whatever I say”. I mean there’s no wrong being straightforward, but there is no sign of concern at all in your straightforwardness.

You apologized for being an asshole, and not being there when I needed you the most. You are just doing it again.

“I’d want to start a fresh with you in the near future.”, “It’s only fair to you that I suffer for abit.”, 3 weeks ago you might feel that way and feel sad, but I really don’t think you are anymore, you’re not even suffering a quarter as much as I am. Because this is how fast your feelings fade, and I understand that this is just who you are. We could talk like as if we were confirm getting back together, talk about our future house and BTO and all, and then now? – “No second thoughts doesn’t mean confirm.”

I shouldn’t really have took all that seriously, but can I help it? I have and always been still in love with you. When I hope you find someone better, you said no and we’re perfect for each other, and at the point in time I really don’t mind you being selfish. But you are just not as nice to me as you were 3 weeks ago.

Why wouldn’t you tell me what you dislike as soon as possible? Like when I blogged those conversations, instead of telling me you don’t like it, you chose to like the post – so what am I supposed to think? Of course I thought you’d be okay with it since you liked it, then you tell me you don’t like people bringing up your chats from the past. And suddenly I’m doing all the wrong things without knowing it because you didn’t tell me about it.

I was never really fine and okay, maybe I just put too much hope in the thought of us getting back together next time, and I got burn, cut deeper than ever. So 3 weeks ago we definitely have the same agenda of getting back together, and now you have definitely change your mind, and it’s heart breaking, and this is no good for me.

The more we talk, the more I’m tearing myself apart all over again. I know you wouldn’t understand this, you wouldn’t understand why I’m so emotional and sad about this and I understand, I don’t expect you to understand. But do understand this, not everyone is the same, not everyone takes break ups and heart breaks lightly as you do, so don’t compare how your friends are even after breaking up, we are not the same, I fall in love hard that is why it’s so fucking hard to get back up on my feet. You have seen me in that state and you know what it does to me.

So I have to do what’s better for me, which is to stop talking to you for now. So unless you have something important to tell me, to do, to meet. It’s better for me to stop torturing myself and truly recover from this heart break.

I really put a lot of heart and soul in the things I said to you at the coffee shop 3 weeks ago, trying to be understanding and delivered my message across. 分开我都迁就着你, hoping that you’ll be wavered and you did, but sadly it didn’t last. I guess hope is a bitch, it brings more pain than good.

When I’m better, and don’t feel the pain anymore, and if you still want to, when can talk again. Cause like I said, I don’t wanna lose you in my life not even as friends, and what I say, I mean it.

Don’t blame me for bringing up your words, cause I really take them seriously and to heart, cause they really gave me hope and it was those encouraging and genuine words that made me happier 3 weeks ago and I held on to those words dearly. They may mean nothing to you now but they meant the world to me and still do. You can go and read back whatever you said and how we chat on Telegram 3 weeks ago, and read your password protected blog post. Do you still feel the same way?

Maybe I am not in the right mind, my heart is not in the right place, to be your friend, yet. It hurts to be. It hurts when I still love you so much, but I’m like nothing to you.

If you feel offended by this post, then I’m sorry because I really need to get this off my chest. I have to treat myself better. And if you wanna beg to differ to whatever I have said, please tell me.

And I will always love you until it becomes too fucking painful to love and give up loving, that’s where I know I have recovered.

I also hope you meant what you said – “It’s not goodbye.”

If not, stop using my love as a weapon against me.

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Author: Impulsive Heartbeat

No one knows

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