Empty

If you ask me how would I feel if I lose you now, I would answer : Nothing.

In fact, I would feel a weight off my shoulders. Even when we seem so close, I feel so empty. All these talk about the future, it gave me so many second thoughts.

“Is this what I really want? Are you really the one I want to spend my whole life with?”

The thoughts of spending my life single felt so much better off right now.

Sometimes I wonder if all of your emotions portrayed towards me is just a facade, how do you really feel inside? – Seriously.

I love you? I don’t love you?

I am so tired. I’m so tired to think about this anymore. What is it that I really want?

The more I think about it – the happiest moments in my life is when I’m not attached or committed to anyone. In fact, I am more committed in my work, I have more time to do whatever I want without thinking about commitments to a single person.

“The grass always seem greener on the other side.”

Back and forth, once I’m on the other side, I will most probably let my loneliness get the best of me again and hurt someone else again. So far it’s my life’s vicious cycle. I don’t deserve to be with anyone – forever.

How many times have I hurt people because of recklessness? From friends, really close friends, to people who really love me.

I have hurt the people who genuinely care about me for someone else who is shit. I have hurt someone who love me, just because I think I’m hurt myself and confused and got involved with someone in the circle of friends and cause the whole friendship to go to ruins – multiple fucking times. 

And getting involved with you out of loneliness and recklessness is the most (although I always deny it) regretful thing I will have ever done. Going behind my best friend’s back and turning on him for you. What the fuck was I even thinking.

It’s late, I have to sleep. Tomorrow I will probably brush off whatever I’ve thought and penned down here and suppressed whatever thoughts I have – like I’ve always did.

I don’t know how long more can I take, how long more can I be with you?

Before anything gets anymore serious, I seriously have to leave you.

Until that day comes………….

Goodnight.

Bleak 

I can pretend that I’m not losing you, not sure how long will this go on. I was damn sure I was making the right decision when I decided to lose it all for you, but now it seems so, damn, fucking, pointfuckingless.

Where did all that genuine spark, genuine willingness, genuine motives, real feelings and love, where did all that go to? Why does it feel like we’re just going through motion and portraying these emotions just for the fucking sake of it.

From a point that I thought we could be forever – to a point where I don’t even think we could last till the end of the year.

From a point that I thought that marrying you would be perfect – to a point where I’m thinking twice.

All that negative vibes I used to feel when you were with him, I feel it all on me. And I’m so scared to react at all because I know what’s coming next, and I guess it has already befallen on me.

I can feel your love fading, your feelings fading. And I’m sort of prepared for this day to come.

And when it’s all done and dusted, I’m prepared for the pain, again.
Goodnight.

Dear life

It doesn’t matter anymore but why does it still ache?

You were toxic and you were bad for me and I guess you’re a really bad habit and I’m still suffering from these withdrawal symptoms.

For months, almost a year, I’ve hated you, until I don’t even feel a thing. Or at least that’s what I thought I feel, until I saw what had eventually unfolded.

I’ll get over it within myself.

Have a good life ahead.